You’ve heard people brag about big dicks. You’ve read Redditors complain about having small dicks. Now, get ready for a new frontier in the world of penis-themed conversations: being content with your okay hog.


Former NFL quarterback Cam Newton recently posted a TikTok pioneering this new field of discussion. In the video, he says he has no intention of becoming a porn star — because, in his words, he was not blessed with a “hammer.”


@cameron1newton @Cheetah Bo Hill ♬ original sound - Cam Newton


Reacting to an interview with Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill in which he says he’d like to be a porn star after he retires, Newton says that he would not pursue the same career path — not out of a lack of interest, but because the python in his trousers is less anaconda and more garter snake. “I’ve got two inches of straight venom,” he says in an included clip.



“God knew what he was doing when he made me,” Newton explains. “He said, ‘Nah, nah, nah, we’re gonna give him all that confidence, we’re gonna give him all that swag, we’ll give him all that hype. Body composition, all that. But, oh, whoa whoa whoa, make it average.”


For context, researchers somehow got funding to find that the average dick length is about six inches hard.



Despite his middling thing, Newton seems happy. After all, he’s not saying he’s got a tiny johnson, nor is he declaring his dick to be the eighth wonder of the world. He’s simply stating that his dick is just fine — and that’s all quite alright.


The support for Newton in the comments section of his TikTok was unending. “Cam is hilarious, represents all us average men,” wrote a user. “I knew cam was my guy,” stated another.


So if you’re not so much packing heat as you are packing lukewarm, Cam Newton is your man. That said, you probably can’t pull off that haircut like he can.